Today was harder than most days. I had 14 tubes of blood drawn in hopes of getting some more answers. My rheumatologist ordered the blood work since I’ve been experiencing a lot of joint and back pain. We want to see if there is another autoimmune disease present along with the Crohn’s disease. In my appointment today, I learned that having Crohn’s disease makes me a candidate for spondyloarthropathy. Arthritic pain in the back, hips and feet that is specifically linked to inflammatory bowel disease. I’ve always known that joint pain was just one of the many complications that comes along with this disease. However, knowing that it’s a possibility and actually dealing with it are two completely different things.
Sigh. I wasn’t ready for this today. Real talk–I won’t know for sure till all the blood work comes back if this will be yet another thing added to my plate. So I’m NOT trying to jump the gun and say “OMG I have arthritis now too!!!” Not at all. What I am saying is–it feels a little like I’m getting diagnosed all over again. Getting the Crohn’s diagnosis was a BIG DEAL! And I remember the “not knowing for sure” phase that came beforehand. That is where I am at right now.
I’m in limbo.
Things are getting REAL again. And all those familiar emotions are flooding back. You know, the ones that I thought I had already dealt with. Yeah those! They are back again!
So, when I got home and all my back pain set in, my anxiety levels spiked. I don’t want another chronic condition!! I just can’t deal with it! I mean, yes I will do whatever I have to do! I will always continue to fight for a better quality of life! I am a warrior! But Seriously?!? I just don’t want this too! When I feel like that, I am just done with the day and I want to go to bed. Of course hoping that everything will be better tomorrow.
I know that I am genuinely doing my best. And each day my best looks like something completely different. Today my best was doing my physical therapy, seeing my rheumatologist, getting 14 vials of blood drawn and then just resting at home, because the pain was too much. My hubby and I had plans to go out to eat and get a few shopping errands done. That didn’t happen. I couldn’t even have dinner ready for him when he came home after work. I couldn’t move off of the couch. I felt really useless and like a disappointment. I felt like I couldn’t even take care of myself. I was ashamed that I couldn’t do better.
It is extremely frustrating to know that you have no control over what your body is doing, but it is a reality. In turn you can get angry at yourself or at the world around you, but that is a blog post for another day. I have no problems admitting that on this occasion I had to cry out my frustration. Sometimes crying just helps you release those emotions in a physical way, and you feel better afterwards.
It’s like an emotional reset button.
The stress or tension builds up in you and you have to let it out by crying or hitting that reset button for your emotions. It levels you back out, because we can only hold so much tension in our bodies.
Crying has always reminded me of rainstorms. Humidity builds up in the air until it can’t hold it anymore and releases itself in the form of rain. If you go outside after a rainstorm, you will usually notice there is less tension or humidity in the air.
I think the same applies to us. After I let out my tears, I feel like I can breathe again and my tension significantly lessens. Allowing me the ability to finish tackling my day instead of just giving up on the day! Which actually lead to me writing this blog post right now. So perhaps a good thing came out of my day today after all.